Are You A Free Spirit or Feral Woman?

A feral woman doesn’t know she is feral. She may think she is just exercising her right to be, and in that she is.

A feral woman is a woman who had been captured and imprisoned, lived in a freedom-starved place for so long, that her original instinct, her intuitive knowing of how to live and be- have been altered and damaged. Though now she is free and acts according to her drives with an uncalibrated inner GPS and the fences of her natural boundaries have been torn down, yet she doesn’t realize this. She is feral. She

• may believe she is of and acts on behalf of her own volition, yet she does not. She is unaware.
• is akin to an animal with little instinct…an animal born in captivity, then set free into the wild, whose existence is in danger. For she doesn’t know the dangers that are, so how can she know better.
• is the Fool of the Tarot unbeknown of the cliff she approaches.
• maybe like the Indominus rex of Jurassic World, killing everything on sight or Sil from Species, just looking to f%$k.

A feral woman acts and does of only that which she knows and she does not know the world (or herself) as it truly is.

Sister, take a look at your free-spirited self’s actions. And ask yourself if you are compensating, making up for lost time. Have you been starved or are you starving for something?

Wild Vs. Feral

Dr. Estes, teaches the difference between being wild and being feral in this chapter.

Since the onset of reading Chapter 8, Self Preservation- The Feral Woman in Women Who Run With Wolves by Dr. Clarissa Estes, I saw the feralness shrouded in free spiriting I had taken on in the past.

Actually crying here, I cried for myself…especially when this story ended…how the child ended as a criple. I thought Oh No. Is it too late?…can the “feralness” not be cured.  Is there no hope for the woman who has suffered “soul famine”…is her only fate a crippled existence?  So, I didn’t like how this “fairytale” ended.

Dr. Estes states at the end of Trap #4, “ the repair of injured instinct begins with acknowledging that a capture has taken place, that a soul famine has followed, that usual boundaries of insight and protection have been disturbed.”

I thought…in the heart of “feralness”, one doesn’t realize THIS. That 1. The instinct has been injured. Because …there’s no realization that a soul famine has followed …I mean, perhaps there would be an awareness of having gone without, but a soul famine. It is as serious as it sounds, I learned. So much so, that the natural instincts of having appropriate boundaries of insight and protection have been disturbed.

That’s when I knew…I have suffered from this…I wonder, is this every woman’s story? Or is this the ill fate of the woman so far lost…as to be feral and live a life of disability?

I appreciate how Estes explains, “without firm participation with the wild nature, a woman starves and falls into an obsession of “feel betters,” “leave me alones” and “love me—please.”

Ah…this is how it happens for a woman… she abandons her wild nature. I read on, with relief as Estes adds, “the way to hold on to what we have, the way to find our way back to the wild feminine, is to see what mistakes a woman so trapped can make. Then we can backtrack and repair. Then we can have reunion.” I’m relieved because she is discussing the antidotes …” it’s not incurable”, I think, and I begin to breathe a little easier. LOL.

Meaning, I was reading this entire chapter, a bit on edge…feeling like my whole future was hanging in the balance. Needless to say, I read this chapter all in the same day, at the same sitting!

Synchronicities

On another note, there were interesting spiritual synchronicities ..actually throughout my reading of the entire book thus far. But, I will mention it here, as these sorts of things are so vital to my being. As, I live for my desire with communion with the divine and when these syncs happen I love to note them and discuss them, as they expand upon and enliven the language I’m creating with my inner divinity. This book has been DIVINE…each chapter—divine. As I feel so special like it was all written just for me and my healing. Perhaps that it is my individuated divinity being aware of itself, and I suppose that all beings are capable and indeed have the same thoughts, feelings, or beliefs. Back to the point…the syncs pertain to my own healing journey.

Let me tell you a story.

Years ago, when I began to heed to the voices deep within me, I would go exploring alone. My innerness would lead me into random stores, country road driving, and yard sales too. I happened upon a yard sale, where I gathered many things. Several native musical CDs, many by R. Carlos Nakai. The album Ancestral Voices spoke loudly, b/c, at the time, I was working with my own ancestors and preparing for initiations in South African, Ghanian, and Nigerian spiritual traditions.

Here, I fell in love with the soothing tunes of Native America and they whispered so deeply into my soul. One song,I fell in love with, even before I knew the title…only the sounds. I would listen to it on repeat… until one day, I looked at the back of the cd and thought to learn the title…because maybe it meant something. The title, Saguaros, I’d never heard of and didn’t mean much. I don’t think I even googled the term at the time. When I looked for the title initially, I expected to find some phrase that would explain it all. But it did not. And I didn’t mean anything until now, at my completion of this chapter, nearly 10 years later.

Until I read the author’s words, “She is like a saguaro, a fine and beautiful cactus that lives in the desert. Saguaros can be shot full of holes, carved upon, knocked over, stepped on, and still they live, still they store life-giving water, still they grow wild and repair themselves over time.”

I knew then, again of the love that is in me, that has followed me around and been with me through every painful imprisoned moment of my life or past-life. The love that was, that is and that love that is me. I am a saguaro. I thought, those nights, listening to that untitled song on repeat, that R. Carlos Nakai channeling the portion of infinite intelligence that is my ancestor(s) to carry me through any soul famines of my life.

Beauty for Ashes

Often I’ve said, how I don’t look like what I’ve been through. And I thank G-d for that. The beauty that is, is the beauty that was. I feel to share the word of G-d, as the word of God is your sword of truth and faith is your shield and faith comes by hearing (hearing the word of G-d) and You need both, the sword and the shield. The sacred text says, ” you shall be given beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for your mourning, and the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness.”

Friends, I can keep going…and I will, in another post…this chapter alone, so much more was revealed to me. If you are a woman seeking a space to dwell and to be as you– whole, I invite you to The Goddess Within.

The insights shared here were inspired by the book, Women Who Run With Wolves by Dr. Clarissa Estes.